No Soup For You

Soup nazi from Seinfeld
No soup for you

You guys, I just made the best soup for lunch. You HAVE to try this recipe. It’s so easy and I bet if I do this every day for lunch I will lose a ton of weight. All you need is a can of Wegman’s Tomato soup, half a can of water, half a can of milk. Pour it all into a pot and heat. Then pour it into a bowl for yourself, because you’re starving and you were too busy feeding everyone else breakfast to eat (oops).

So you’ve got your piping hot soup, but first go pick up your baby who is now screaming, because he hates it when you consume hot food or beverages (because he is so considerate and doesn’t want you to burn yourself, obviously!) Now try to scoot your own chair in close enough so you don’t drool soup all over yourself while holding a 20 lb infant. Not too close, or he will pour the soup all over your lap and you will spend the day in Urgent Care getting your burns dressed.

But, before you actually take a bite of soup, help your two-year-old who is crying “my butt, my butt, my poopie is stuck.” So you put her on the toilet and sit on a 6-inch-high toy step stool (also pray this doesn’t break and leave shards of plastic lodged in your colon). While you’re sitting on the stool, periodically checking between her legs for a turd to appear, you’re obviously going to need to sing a song. I highly recommend a custom version of “The Wheels on the Bus” with the lyrics “the poop in the potty goes plop plop plop.” Make sure to sing that over and over again because that apparently “helps the poopy not be scared of the water.”

Also, while you’re sitting on a tiny stool, waiting for a turd and singing a song, your other kid is probably hungry (because all of this ambiance works up an appetite), so you should probably breast feed him with one arm and hold your toddler’s hand with the other (so she doesn’t fall in the toilet).

After about 15 minutes of this you can suggest that maybe the poop isn’t ready to come out, but your two year old REALLY wants a sticker for pooping and you don’t want to destroy your established potty training reward system, so continue sitting there waiting for the poop for another 10 minutes or so.

Finally, tell her we will try again after nap time. Haul her crying off the toilet, put a pull-up on her, and put her down for a nap as she screams “I want a stickah!!! A STICKAH!!!” Then finish feeding the baby in bed, and he’s asleep now and if you stop touching him he wakes up and screams, but you can’t fall asleep or you might roll over and crush him. So lie silently thinking about the cold soup you still haven’t eaten and relish in the nap time quiet. Because nothing tastes as good as quiet sounds.

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